I was writing this post yesterday and today I woke up its 4th of July so it felt kind of relevant. It can be quite scary being independent. Going it alone. Like Scotland’s currently considering doing from the UK, some think going alone is incredibly stupid or incredibly brave. When I declared I was going to go travelling on my own, I definitely received a lot of; “Why would you do that?” “Aren’t you scared?” “Is there no one who could go with you?”. But for me going on my own was a choice and it turned out to be a brilliant one. I learnt I could do anything and that the kindness of strangers is sometimes even more than people you know. So ever since that experience I haven’t looked back I travel alone, I drop everything and move to America, I take the leap and go do my Yoga course in Croatia.

Now I’m going into the lonely self-employed world. It feels great! But sometimes I get the fear. I think it’s instilled in everybody’s subtle fear of being alone. It’s bizarre seeing as we’re all alone ultimately but we’re all in the same boat in that. I could go in to the whole your fear is not real, its just in your mind here. I know that to be true but I’m not going to pretend that I have lifted up to the point where I never get scared, because that is just not true. This yoga venture has been a big reminder of how much things really are just up to you. It’s liberating and exciting but scary. I do scare easily though. To the point where all my boyfriend has to do it hide behind a corner, which I know he’s going to have run off ahead to do and I still drop to the floor in fear when the inevitable happens and he jumps out. That’s some kind of analogy for life, you know this thing is coming, it’s about to happen but your still overcome when it actually does. Why am I like that?

I want to be in full knowledge of the facts, aware of possible outcomes and just feel free from anxiety. Sometimes I kid myself that I’m so sure and not fearful. But I’m not kidding anyone. I’m scared. This life business is scary. I want to go all independent woman and start listing all the things I have with a melody of I bought it playing in the background. But the reality is sometimes its not all that glamorous going it alone. Caring so much about things can be terrifying. I wouldn’t be without it though. The fear is what keeps me moving, there was a point after coming back from a 5-month trip where I stopped. And getting back was difficult. This new momentum can keep turning, I’ll keep batting away fear as it comes and goes and comes. Just like in friends, I’ve found the fear and I’m making it into something positive.

Yoga has never been for me a fear factor for me before. When I’m practising it feels like there is nothing else, I’m not fearful of anything. But now I’m trying to share these feelings with people on this blog, in person leading meditation and sharing my asana practise. I don’t want it to be fearful and in general I don’t find the sharing or teaching scary, which is a definite positive obviously. Otherwise I’d be thinking, err, wrong career? But the whole world/life/bullshit stress is scary. Being on my own in facing things I think are ridiculous is kind of scary. I don’t particularly care for the day-to-day crap that comes up; I want everything to be simple, beautiful and complex in all the right ways. How very demanding.

So sometimes this independence gets me scared. But I think it motivates me to do more, be more and expect more from others. I guess I just have to accept that I also will undoubtedly fall down in fear when I know someone’s about to jump out at me. Kind of like this guy who apparently scares easier than anyone in the world.

Anyone else feeling like going independent woman today?

Namaste,

Helen – WAP